It was only months later that I manage to understand at least part of what was happening. I never ever had any visions in any of the ceremonies and the ayahuasqueros considered that mother ayahuasca was refusing to give me the visions for some reason (it was not the right moment, I was not prepared to heal…). The ayahuasqueros considered that I had taken too much ayahuasca and that I had ended too far gone and in the rest of the ceremonies I either felt nothing because of not taking enough, completely lost it again, or fought against the medicine making me lose contact with reality with breathing techniques and all kind of desperate attempts to prevent the very unpleasant experience of being locked within myself. Some time later, I had lost all contact with external reality and I was inside a loop of thought in which I remember what I interpreted to be something close to a laughter over and over and over again and which caused me a fair degree of anxiety. At this moment, a facilitator noticed that something was wrong with me and came to have a look and avoid that I hurt myself. Afterwards, spasms started affecting me all over the body and my legs and particularly my arms, which had more freedom of movement, started hitting the ground, my body and moving uncontrollable all around. And then to amazement and then to sadness… The experience was not exactly enjoyable, since it was rather confusing and extremely exhausting, but very interesting. I could change from the most exhilarating delight to the absolute despair in a matter of milliseconds. It started with synesthesia with the ícaros being seen as a ball of light moving around the maloca, it then turned to a roulette of feelings, wherein feelings of joy, despair, amazement, sadness, fear, bliss… were randomly being presented into my conscious awareness with increased speed. About an hour later it all started and was the most intense experience I’ve ever had. The first ceremony, when everybody was already tripping and the facilitator was passing by to see whether some of us needed more medicine, I was still feeling absolutely nothing, so we assumed that I needed some more. It took me a while to understand the reason behind. BACKGROUND: Three years ago I took eleven ceremonies in Peru (Caapi+p.viridis) and were all rather unusual. I came with a couple of questions about ayahuasca and saw I could not post them there, so I will post it the "welcome discussion" with the necessary background information without which the questions make probably little sense.
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